Someone asked what I’ve been up to and I was like, um, DUH, I’ve been doing what everyone is doing. Thinking about emojis. How many times have you tried to text a devil’s horns emoji only to have to settle for a fist emoji instead? It’s almost like abuse. How are we supposed to express ourselves without a unicorn jumping over a rainbow emoji? WORDS? HA!
I want better emojis and I WANT THEM NOW. So, because it’s IMPORTANT and because, who knows, maybe someone at EMOJI HEADQUARTERS will see this blog, I’m gonna list my demands I mean suggestions.
Here we go!
1) Bottle of vodka: Duh. How have I existed for this long using the stupid martini glass? I’M SICK OF THE MARTINI GLASS, EMOJI GODS.
2) Record: I mean, I live in Silverlake. How can I be expected to text music notes when I’m trying to convey my deep love for vinyl, man?
3) Taco: No offense to egg in a frying pan or mochi or everybody’s favorite, slice of pizza, but I neeeeeeeed a taco emoji. I know there probably aren’t a ton of Mexican food joints in Japan but I think this needs to happen. Then I can text: Let’s go get breakfast tacos and add a sun emoji and a taco emoji for instant adorableness. TACOS FOR LIFE, BABY.
4) Ewok: It doesn’t even have to be Wicket, it just has to be cute and fuzzy with, like, a spear or something. Or, I mean, shit, I’ll even settle for an R2-D2, just hook it up, emoji people! Ee chee wa maa!
5) A Girl With Curly Hair: Bad enough my Barbie always had straight blond hair, why all my emojis gotta look like a mom from a Febreze commercial?
6) Fat Corgi: Or fat mutt like Hogan McSmalls. Or fat Daschund. Whatever. We need more dogs. Fat ones. Like where they look like an overstuffed sandwich with little legs sticking out. Oooh, actually that would be a good one too, they should hire me.
7) Vampire: Non-sparkly, please! He should be classic, not YA. I’m talking black cape and fangs with maybe a little blood dripping off of them. If it happens, I might legally change my name to this emoji. It would look badass on my tax forms.
8) Bill Murray: I think everyone would enjoy a Bill Murray emoji. Then he can pop up in text convos just like he pops up everywhere else. I think this would be a nice homage, really keeping in the spirit of Bill Murray-ness. And how cute!
9) Loch Ness Monster: Look, everyone was thinking it, I’m just saying it or, um, typing it. WE WANT NESSIE! WE WANT NESSIE! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! (Sorry, got carried away to the 90s for a sec.)
10) The twins from The Shining: Time to upgrade, emoji folks. I mean, the dancing twins were cool and they’ll always have a special place in our hearts. Vintage stuff. But, The Shining twins can add SO MUCH to a text. I plan on ending every text about brunch with these gals because it just feels right, you know?
Okay, I could go on forever but I won’t because I want to focus on the ones close to my heart that are very important to me. What emoji do you want to see? Please tell me because I’m interested in this type of serious cultural stuff.
*pic from madbrad.