Remember the morning announcements? Pretend I’m reading this from a teleprompter while wearing a red shirt with a collar and smiling too much while you’re passing notes or organizing your cool pencils in your badass Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pencil box:
In the last forty-eight hours I’ve consumed the following: peanut butter M&Ms, plain M&Ms, a fountain coke, champagne punch with honey, a gluten-free blueberry muffin and I don’t even know how many chai lattes. There’s a chance that I may have slightly over done it with the sugar but in my defense, I am quitting sugar for a month so I needed to sugar-load. That’s a thing, right? Like carbo-loading only yummier? All these sweets will see me through the next thirty days no problem, right?
Yup. Counting on it.
I decided to go sugar free until Halloween (CANDY ON THE 31st Y’ALL) because I noticed that on nights that I have sugar before bed, I have nightmares. Like very bad nightmares. Like Stephen King should get screenwriting credit in my brain nightmares. In one, a good friend ripped her face off in front of me. In another, a man tortured my dog behind a wall of impenetrable glass and I couldn’t rescue him. (Don’t worry, I killed that motherfucker later in the night. I went all Denzel or Liam Neeson on that dream asshole.) In one particularly amazing dream, I woke up screaming just as a creepy woman approached the army cot I was tied to. I have no idea what she was going to do. Probably wanted to talk to me about Facebook’s new policies or something. Besides, it’s not like sugar is doing anything for me, right? I don’t remember seeing it on any superfood listicles.
My point is, I’m ready for October. And maybe with no sugar, I’ll dream about Ewoks petting unicorns and bottles of bourbon and save the nightmarish shit for all the horror movies I’m gonna watch.
In addition to my SUPER EXCITING SUGAR NEWS, I would like to apologize for not writing here much lately. I haven’t been motivated to work on anything besides a project that I’ve thrown myself into the last few months. I’m so immersed that I haven’t even written anything for any websites lately. I think I’ve probably forgotten how to pitch and link. I’ve barely been tweeting. But, I’m having a lot of fun and I’m hoping I can tell people about it soon. It’s a whole different direction for me in a lifetime of whole different directions.
I can tell you, however, that my husband (artist/director Tim Parsons) and I have been working on a side project together that we will be debuting in November. It’s the most enjoyable thing I’ve ever been a part of and I’m super stoked about it. Can’t wait to share it with you guys!
Other than that work stuff, the big news in my life is that as of Tuesday, we will have had Hogan McSmalls in our lives for nine years. To celebrate our nine year anniversary with him, we intend to ply him with all his favorite things: toys, balls, popcorn, carrots and maybe just maybe a hamburger or two. (Tim votes bacon but we’ll see. Hamburgers Instagram better.) I’ll make sure and document every moment.
Some of you may have noticed that my Facebook fan page no longer exists. We had a good run on there but I decided I just didn’t need it any more. Thanks to everyone who supported it and me for the last decade or whatever it was. (It had over 1,000 fans at the end there and I never ever took that for granted. I’ll be eternally grateful for the love.) I promise to blog more and be better. Now with less sugar!
That’s it for now, gang. See you on Twitter! (or Instagram or Facebook or Tumblr or I dunno, maybe one of those flash sites where you can buy discount designer jeggings.)