If Morrissey Ruled the World: Popular Songs Mozified

Morrissey has had a hard time of it lately. Well, I mean, according to his music he’s always having a hard time of it but recently he’s had to deal with health issues on top of the world sucking and whatnot. Not gonna lie, I’m worried about the Moz. I thought maybe we should create a ‘Moz Day’ and let him rule for 24 hours. He can shove tofu down people’s throats and give citations to dudes wearing bright colors. Then I wondered what he would do to other musician’s songs if he could get his cold depressed hands on them. This list is the result of that.  Here we go:

  • Pink Floyd ‘Comfortably Numb’ = Morbidly Glum
  • Marvin Gaye ‘Let’s Get It On’ = Ew Gross Sex
  • The Cure ‘Just Like Heaven’ ~ Robert Smith is a Bloody Wanker
  • U2 ‘Beautiful Day’ = Ugly Terrible Dark Day That I Hate Immensely With Every Fiber Of My Being
  • David Bowie ‘Young Americans’ ~ Old Fat Sad Americans
  •  Franz Ferdinand ‘Take Me Out’ = Take Me Out and Get Me Into A Car Crash
  • Gotye ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ = Some Johnny That I Used To Know
  • Aretha Franklin ‘I Never Loved a Man (The Way That I Love You)’ = I Never Loved a Man (Or a Woman or Anyone, OK, Gah)
  • Jay-Z ’99 Problems’ = Oh Please, I Have 9,999 Problems
  •  The Righteous Brothers ‘Unchained Melody’ = Unhinged Misery
  • The Ramones ‘Sheena Is A Punk Rocker’ = Sheena Is A Corpse
  • Willie Nelson ‘Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain’ = Oh wait, Moz loves this one.
  •  The Supremes ‘Where Did Our Love Go’ ~ Where Did Our Love Go? It Died
  • 50 Cent ‘In Da Club’ = In Da Cemetery
  • Joan Jett & The Blackhearts ‘I Love Rock & Roll’ ~ I Love Nothing
  •  The Everly Brothers ‘Wake Up Little Susie’ = Sleep Forever, Little Susie
  • Tina Turner ‘What’s Love Got to Do With It’ = What’s Love Got to Do With Me?
  • The Beatles ‘With a Little Help From My Friends’ = I Don’t Have Any Friends
  • The Rolling Stones ‘Wild Horses’ = Wild Horses Are Beautiful So Don’t Eat Animals, You Tossers

I wish some of these actually existed. I’d love to hear “Ew Gross Sex.” Anyway, get well soon, Moz!

*photo from the guardian.

Published by Kendra Alvey

I love Ewoks, books, dogs, Ewoks, cocktails, concerts and long walks on the Ewoks.

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