I love Halloween. One of my favorite parts of Halloween (after candy corn and horror flicks) is seeing grown women in slutty costumes. It’s just so awesome. The costumes have gotten ridiculous over the last few years and the more ludicrous the costume, the more I love it. Last year I saw a slutty lime wedge! This year, I have some favorites already: Sexy Freddy Krueger and Slutty Fun Dip (comes with it’s own Lik-a-Stick). And, while you can’t really beat the two I just mentioned, I’ve decided to come up with my own list of awesome slutty costumes that may or may not actually exist. (I’m not much for research.) If I ruled the world, this is what I’d see on Halloween night. Let’s do this:
1. Sexy Mortician: I think for this to work, you have to drag around your own dead body all night. But, this will be hot, girls. Dead hot.
2. Slutty Biscuits and Gravy: What is sluttier than biscuits and gravy, ladies?! Sooo hawt! Sex on a platter! Screw the Naughty Nurse, you’ll be the most popular gal at the pub!
3. Racy Recycling Bin: You’re environmentally conscious AND you like to party! Come on baby, put your beer bottle in my receptacle! Yeah, that’s it!
4. Horny Hobbit: Obviously this is the best one on the list, guys. Except your feet might get cold. But, I guarantee you will get tons of free drinks, phone numbers and “My precious” jokes.
5. Randy Garbage Pail Kid: I’m thinking like Slutty Suzy or Whorey Ho Bag but I’m sure you can come up with a fantastic name for your sexy self. You are so timely with your pop culture reference! You come with free gum! Yes! Do it!
6. Steamy Werewolf: Oh yeah, baby! You’re a sexy sexy beast! Grab a man at the party and ask him to come home to your lair and braid your ass fur! Make sure to growl.
7. Whorey Homeless Lady: All you really need for this is cleavage and a shopping cart. Fill both with condoms! Get some! Bonus: people might give you money or food.
8. Hot Dinosaur: Is there anything sexier than a Trampy T-Rex or a Bitchin’ Brontosaurus? I don’t think so. Guys will think you’re so smart and science-y!
9. Freaky Fast Food Worker: Just steal a visor from McDonalds or KFC. Put it on with underwear and boots. Freeze your ass off all night but look hot so hot ohmygawd you’re so hot I’m craving fries now lol.
10. Spicy Taco: This costume says, “I am a bad bad food. Eat me.” Very subtle and so much fun at after-parties!
There you go, gals! You still have tons of time to get your slutty costume ready to go! Do me proud. Send pics. Rock on.
*Hottie T-Rex drawing by Hottie Tim Parsons.