I’ve been doing two things way too much lately: listening to Christmas music and messing around on Twitter. The result is my take on Christmas carols in 140 characters or less.
Santa, Baby: I deserve a lot of expensive shit because I didn’t cheat on my man.
Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer: Reindeer suck unless they need something from you.
Jingle Bells: ‘Tis the season for drunk sleighing, bitches! That drifted bank came out of nowhere!
Baby, It’s Cold Outside: Smoking kills. Just kidding, there is no subtext in this song, you guys.
Walking In A Winter Wonderland: It was so cold on our walk that I hallucinated a preacher and, oh shit, now I’m engaged.
Frosty, The Snowman: He totally melted. He died, kids. Frosty died.
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer: Carols can be composed in trailers too.
Christmas Wrapping: Omg, isn’t it cute that this guy stalks me even on Christmas day?!
Silver Bells: Back in the olden days, people didn’t have Spotify so they had to listen to bells and stuff.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: Children think adultery is hilarious. Ha! Adultery.
Holly Jolly Christmas: Drink, socialize, get some.
I hope everyone has a safe December, an awesome Holiday season and a Holly Jolly Christmas!