Because I am a unique individual who is completely unlike any of you other freaks, I’ve been totally obsessed with zombies lately. I didn’t mean for it to happen. It’s just that every time I’m bored, I accidentally end up watching Shawn of the Dead or Zombieland. Quite by chance, I found myself watching Season One of Walking Dead while I was reading The Reapers are the Angels, a book recommended to me by a friend that I had NO CLUE was about zombies when I started reading it. For serious, you guys.
So, I’m an accidental zombie fan. But, it’s not like I’m obsessed. I didn’t go and “like” zombies on Facebook. I’m not gonna be a zombie for Halloween. I’m okay. I’ll be fine.
It’s just that I can’t stop thinking about a zombie apocalypse. As in, I’ll be looking at the produce I got at the Farmer’s Market thinking, “Better eat that now, it won’t keep when there’s a zombie apocalypse.” Or, I’m at yoga trying to get my Om on thinking, “If zombies come through that door, I’ll leap over this sweaty dude right here and grab a bolster and a block so I can go out swinging.”
So, here’s an even bigger waste of my brain power! A game. Top 10 Things You Would Grab From Your House During A Zombie Apocalypse! The rules are: 1) You have ten minutes to grab ten things. 2) You have to leave your house! 3) You don’t have to grab food or toiletries (or else, I swear to you my list will just be dental floss, SPF 60 face lotion, deodorant, etc.). Here’s what I’d grab:
1) Hogan McSmalls, my dog. I know this is controversial. I know he’s an extra mouth to feed and he might get eaten by zombies that used to be my neighbors or something. But, he’s a street dog scavenger and I think he’d make himself useful by barking at creepy dead things when I’m sleeping and by being warm, fuzzy and adorable.
2) Earthquake Kit. I live in Los Angeles. So, I’ve got an earthquake kit with medical supplies and a transistor radio. I figure this could be useful. Dare I say practical? Especially the pain relievers because I’m a wimpy baby person. I cry when I stub my toe.
3) Sigg Bottle. Duh.
4) Naked by David Sedaris. Look, you guys are gonna be bored. There will be some downtime. I will do my dramatic readings of David Sedaris and you will forget that your friend just got eaten!
5) Revolver. I’m from Texas. My dad is a tough ex-military sharp shooter son of a gun. He taught me to shoot and I seriously doubt a zombie could get close enough to bite me. However, if I decide to change weapons along the way (Like, what if I find a scythe?! I would look soooo cool with a scythe, you guys!), I am sure I could trade this thing for something awesome like, I don’t know, a frozen pizza or some wine? A hot shower? Or I could just shoot lots of stuff with it, like dad intended.
6) Gin. There’s a full bottle in there. I like vodka better but in a zombie apocalypse, I’m not sure I’m gonna care. It could be used for disinfectant AND liquid courage!
7) Hand sanitizer. Because, ick! Everywhere there’s bound to be ick!
8) Hat. Just because I’m battling zombies doesn’t mean I need to suffer from skin cancer or pre-mature aging on my face and whatnot.
9) Leatherman. I’ll admit I have no clue how to use this thing. But, I was a theatre major in college and I never saw the shop guys without one of these in their belts. If it’s the end of the world, I will find out how to use a leatherman and I will master it, by golly! I’m picturing myself picking locks and breaking into barns like a badass.
10) Perfume. I wish this one could be my iPod but we all know there won’t be any power in this fake zombie apocalypse and it would be dead in a few days. Soooooo, gotta go with perfume. Just because the world is stinky doesn’t mean I have to be.
What do you guys think? Am I destined to be zombie-fied? What would you bring? I’m sure I will change my mind as soon as I post this but right now I’m pretty proud of my list. Especially Number 10!
*Sidenote: If I get turned into a zombie, please kill me. I don’t want anyone seeing me with my hair all zombied up and bad zombie breath. Gross.
**photo by snowy-ninja.